Well… the time has come. I have finally reached the age of 40. Crazy, ammiright??? EEEEEK! Well, I”ve been having a bunch of thoughts about it, so I decided to just write ‘em all down. Like a journal… but for the public to see. Because I’m crazy.
So here goes. AHEM. (clears the throat a few times)
dear 30s…
I am not sad to see you go. I’m also not happy about having a 4 in the tens place of my age, but whatever. You taught me more than the previous 29 years before put together, that’s for damn sure. Parts of you I absolutely loathed. Parts of you I feel were the best of my life.
I’ve had nothing happen to me that hasn’t happened to millions of other people… but that doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve had family pass away. I’ve lost and grieved over deep and meaningful relationships, still wondering why they ever ended and never getting closure. I’ve been talked down to, been the butt of jokes, been made out to be the heavy. I’ve had people be intentionally hurtful when I’ve been at my most vulnerable, something that has seriously rocked me to my core even recently. I’ve had people try to hurt me and make me feel unimportant. There were fender benders and rude people and snide comments and blah blah blah. I’ve had my kids yell at me and call me “the worst”… and I’ve had moments where I wouldn’t have gotten a “Mom of the Year” award, either. One of my kiddos was recently diagnosed with Tourette’s and I’m constantly struggling with bullying and how to make his life easier. This past year, my whole world, my emotions, my everything, took a hit and everything was especially difficult.
Don’t worry folks… the negativity train is now docked.
Because I’ve also had AMAZING things happen over the last 10 years! First and foremost… moving to Raleigh from the DC Metro area was the best decision for my family, no matter how difficult it was to leave all of my friends and that wonderful area behind. I still miss the game nights, the vineyards, the coffee, Adam’s Morgan, and the 9:30 club… and the cupcake from Buzz to go with it. But Raleigh welcomed us with open arms and new experiences. I have made incredible friendships here, people who I call my “framily”, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. People whom I know would do anything to help me out… because they have. Over the last 10 years, I was able to go to Italy, Bermuda, Colorado, Utah, New York City, Boston, Palm Springs, HIlton Head, all of these amazing and wonderful places, to explore and just BE. How lucky am I???!!!?? My kiddos, now 11 and 9, have turned into these amazingly kind humans. They are sweet, polite (to those not in our immediate house), funny, and so so loving. I’m super proud of them and love them both FIERCELY. And I’m not afraid to tell and show them how much they mean to me. I also turned into a dog mom, something I thought would NEVER happen. But how can I refuse when this cute pup was plopped into my life and is literally the best dog in the entire universe? I learned to paint, box, disc golf, take out grass stains from baseball pants. I donated to charities, volunteered my time when needed, and always gave out hugs when necessary. It’s been pretty amazing.
One of the best things though… 6 years ago, I was also able to FINALLY follow my dreams of learning how to do photography… and was eventually able to quit teaching (something I was never truly passionate about) in order to start my own business. Starting your own business is HARD. Learning everything on your own… even the photography part!!!… is even harder. But it was something I always wanted to do, and I am SO FORTUNATE AND LUCKY to love my job. I mean… I really really REALLY love my job! I still have a hard time understanding that people pay me to do what I love… it blows my mind. I am a photographer. A PROFESSIONAL photographer. Cracks me up.
My dearest 30s… something you did that I am forever grateful for, is you took everything I knew about myself, stuck it in a blender, and hit puree. It’s been hard to understand and face the bad parts, but it helped me become a better human and appreciate all my good parts that much more. I learned that I am a typical co-dependent, always trying to make others happy at the sacrifice of my own thoughts and feelings. I have a hard time making decisions, especially if I know the outcome will be hurtful or cause someone else unhappiness in any way. But sometimes it’s necessary. I learned that I hate confrontation SO MUCH that I would rather be unhappy for a long period of time than be super uncomfortable for just a few minutes to get it over with (I see you there, nodding your head with me on that one!). I have a hard time expressing my feelings if they are not joyful or happy ones, but am learning that it’s really ok to be unhappy or sad sometimes. Because one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over the last 10 years is that the people who truly love you and care about you will be around no matter what, regardless if you’re going through difficult times or the bestest of times. I learned that I’m strong, both physically and emotionally, and I can do a lot more than I thought. I also learned that even though I’m really good at giving them, I’m really REALLY horrible at accepting compliments. Even worse at giving them to myself. But to that extent… I also learned that I always have things to work on.
Most of all, I learned that I’m a pretty ok person. (I told you I was bad at complimenting myself, did I not?). Let’s try that again…
I learned that I’m a pretty great human. I am loyal. I am loving. I love to give all that I have, in order to see someone happy. I love making people smile, and even more so when they laugh. Maybe that’s why I love my job so much! I love creating, hugging, being social, and I love love LOVE my people. I learned that I’m not always a positive ray of sunshine, but that’s ok… we all have our moments, months, year. You come back a better, stronger version of yourself. I also learned that I’m pretty good at what I do but I love knowing that I will always be improving.
So 30s… it’s been real. You’ve taught me a LOT. But I’m ready to move along now. I may have a few new small wrinkles around my eyes. My laugh lines may be a bit more pronounced, my boobs a bit more sad, and my tummy a bit more Pillsbury Dough Man-like. But I’m ready to see what the 40s will bring. I’m proud of who I am. So very very VERY proud of everything I’ve accomplished over the last 39 years. Peace out my friend, no looking back now.